I’ve been in a pretty deep funk since getting back from New Orleans, and the school workload is not entirely to blame, but it’s certainly part of it. The weather’s been weird, I’ve cycling through some intense grieving and depression.
And then suddenly I wake up and realize that it’s well and truly spring and warm enough to spend mornings on the lake again, flowers are blooming everywhere, Sanctuary is out, I have 30,000 words in on the Cathedral sequel Citadel (yay creative procrastination?), the semester is almost over and the break is looming, I have some amazing projects in progress at work, and I live in one of the most beautiful cities in North America, and so, okay, I guess things don’t thoroughly suck. And the tide shifts, simple as that.
I spent seven hours one night earlier in the week looking at photographs spanning twelve years of my work in libraries, and of course many of those batches of photos include John, and that was hard but also lovely, and what really struck me was how much fun we had – what ambitious, joyful programs and projects we were pursuing, during that lull between when I finished undergrad and when he got the cancer diagnosis, and things got very grim and hard. There was a lot of joy in the work. There is a lot of joy in it, and I’m grateful to my current classmates and teachers and colleagues and patrons for regrounding me in that knowledge. And I’m reminded how important paying attention and connecting with beauty, being aware of beauty, is to my sanity, and so I’m working again at seeking it out wherever I find it.